Friday, 31 July 2015

How To Give A Pill To Your Cat....

Well this is how I give a pill to My cat...

  1. Take wormer tablet (or tablets depending on cat's size) and cut in half.
  2. Place tablet on arm of chair.
  3. Grab cat, talk in cutesy baby voice to him as he realises you're going to do something horrible to him.
  4. Place cat on his back as he sinks his claws into your arms.
  5. Try to prise cat's jaws open.
  6. Remove bitten finger from cat's mouth.
  7. Try to prise cat's jaws open again.
  8. Realise that cat has decided to clamp jaws shut and resort to cutesy baby voice again. Of course this does nothing to calm cat. He's not stupid...
  9. When you can finally open cat's jaws, place tablet at the back of his tongue.
  10. Retrieve spat out tablet from floor.
  11. Grab cat before he makes a bid for freedom.
  12. Place cat on his back again.
  13. Unhook cat's claws from skin.
  14. Resume talking in cutesy baby voice as you try to stem blood flow from where cat has taken out his annoyance on your chest.
  15. Hold cat's head still.
  16. Try to prise jaw open again. Remain calm as cat sinks his incisors into your thumb.
  17. Place tablet at back of tongue.
  18. Quickly hold cat's jaw closed. Stroke his throat and close his nostrils. Wait for signs of him swallowing.
  19. Release hold on cat's jaw.
  20. Retrieve tablet from floor and repeat.
  21. Now that he's finally swallowed half, realise you both have to go through that hell again.
  22. Retrieve cat as he starts to climb up your shoulder.
  23. Resist temptation to scream as he removes 10 layers of skin with his claws.
  24. Attempt to steady cat as he twists and turns like an octopus escaping a laundry bag.
  25. Wrap cat in towel so just his head is sticking out.
  26. Take hold of second half of tablet.
  27. Tuck cat's paws back inside towel.
  28. Try to prise jaws open.
  29. Tuck cat's paws back inside towel.
  30. Place tablet at back of tongue and hold jaw shut until he swallows.
  31. Give cat a cuddle and a treat; go and prepare dinner.
  32. Find spat out half of tablet on the floor some 20 minutes later.
  33. Shove half of tablet in a chunk of salmon and feed to cat.
  34. Smile in satisfaction that the con artist has become the conned.
  35. Feel the sense of dread that in three months time; you've got to go through that all rigmarole again.

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