The Queen has a few words for David Cameron...

(Courtesy of The Daily Mash)

THE Queen has assured David Cameron that he was her worst prime minister ‘by miles’.

As Mr Cameron began tendering his resignation to the Queen at Buckingham Palace, Her Majesty interrupted him and said: “Including your good self, I have been served by 12 prime minsters.

“I liked Sir Winston, because he fancied me, Macmillan was like something out of Dickens and Wilson was a cheeky little Yorkshire monkey. The rest of them were a bit… weird. Especially Mr Brown. Very strange man.

“But you, Mr Cameron, are a prize arse.

“Northern Ireland has gone all wobbly, Scotland is half way out the bloody door, meanwhile most of my subjects are scared shitless and we’re seeing a delightful upsurge in racism. Well played Mr Cameron, well played.”

The Queen added: “If I see you round here again, I will order the Grenadier Guards to dangle you from the front gates by the waistband of your underpants and then get some tourists to throw fistfuls of cheap ham at your big, shiny face.

“Then again, from what I hear, you’d probably love that, you dirty bugger. Not even Prince Andrew has done that, and – trust me – that boy is a freak.

“Anyway, I digress. Off. You. Fuck.”

It is understood that as Mr Cameron left the Palace, he turned to his wife Samantha and said: “Actually, that went reasonably well.”

Meet Wanksy

Ladies and gentlemen; it gives Me great pleasure to introduce you to Wanksy. Wanksy is a road artist who unlike Banksy; draws only on pot-holes on the road. Wanksy has a particular tag to highlight the problem of pot-holes in that he chooses to draw massive cocks around them. His argument is that "nothing fills a hole like a massive cock." 

You can check out his work in the above video and who knows? Maybe Wanksy will be "cumming" to a pot-hole near you! 

How To Give A Pill To Your Cat....

Well this is how I give a pill to My cat...

1. Take wormer tablet (or tablets depending on cat's size) and cut in half.
2. Place tablet on arm of chair.
3. Grab cat, talk in cutesy baby voice to him as he realises you're going to do something horrible to him.
4. Place cat on his back as he sinks his claws into your arms.
5. Try to prise cat's jaws open.
6. Remove bitten finger from cat's mouth.
7. Try to prise cat's jaws open again.
8. Realise that cat has decided to clamp jaws shut and resort to cutesy baby voice again. Of course this does nothing to calm cat. He's not stupid...
9. When you can finally open cat's jaws, place tablet at the back of his tongue.
10. Retrieve spat out tablet from floor.
11. Grab cat before he makes a bid for freedom.
12. Place cat on his back again.
13. Unhook cat's claws from skin.
14. Resume talking in cutesy baby voice as you try to stem blood flow from where cat has taken out his annoyance on your chest.
15. Hold cat's head still.
16. Try to prise jaw open again. Remain calm as cat sinks his incisors into your thumb.
17. Place tablet at back of tongue.
18. Quickly hold cat's jaw closed. Stroke his throat and close his nostrils. Wait for signs of him swallowing.
19. Release hold on cat's jaw.
20. Retrieve tablet from floor and repeat.
21. Now that he's finally swallowed half, realise you both have to go through that hell again.
22. Retrieve cat as he starts to climb up your shoulder.
23. Resist temptation to scream as he removes 10 layers of skin with his claws.
24. Attempt to steady cat as he twists and turns like an octopus escaping a laundry bag.
25. Wrap cat in towel so just his head is sticking out.
26. Take hold of second half of tablet.
27. Tuck cat's paws back inside towel.
28. Try to prise jaws open.
29. Tuck cat's paws back inside towel.
30. Place tablet at back of tongue and hold jaw shut until he swallows.
31. Give cat a cuddle and a treat; go and prepare dinner.
32. Find spat out half of tablet on the floor some 20 minutes later.
33. Shove half of tablet in a chunk of salmon and feed to cat.
34. Smile in satisfaction that the con artist has become the conned.
35. Feel the sense of dread that in three months time; you've got to go through that all rigmarole again.

That moment when you show your pussy on cam....

Pussy: "I've caught bigger mice than that!" 

I DON'T LIKE SPAM!!!!

In honour of Monty Python Live, here's one of My favourite clips! And I agree - I DON'T LIKE SPAM!!! 

BUNGLE ARRESTED!

I always thought he was a bit strange...

EPIDEMIC WARNING!!!

Are you infected?

And Now For Something Completely Different!

With all the goings-on in Syria at the moment, I thought it was time to lighten the mood somewhat. This is highly un-pc - so you probably don't want to read if you're easily offended and/or have no sense of humour...

ALERTS TO THREATS
IN 2013 EUROPE

From JOHN CLEESE

The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent events in Syria and have therefore raised their security level from "Miffed" to "Peeved." Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross." The English have not been "A Bit Cross" since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies nearly ran out. Terrorists have been re-categorized from "Tiresome" to "A Bloody Nuisance." The last time the British issued a "Bloody Nuisance" warning level was in 1588, when threatened by the Spanish Armada.

The Scots have raised their threat level from "Pissed Off" to "Let's get the Bastards." They don't have any other levels. This is the reason they have been used on the front line of the British army for the last 300 years.

The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from "Run" to "Hide." The only two higher levels in France are "Collaborate" and "Surrender." The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France 's white flag factory, effectively paralyzing the country's military capability.

Italy has increased the alert level from "Shout Loudly and Excitedly" to "Elaborate Military Posturing." Two more levels remain: "Ineffective Combat Operations" and "Change Sides."

The Germans have increased their alert state from "Disdainful Arrogance" to "Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs." They also have two higher levels: "Invade a Neighbour" and "Lose."

Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual; the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels ..

The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy. These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.

Australia, meanwhile, has raised its security level from "No worries" to "She'll be right, Mate." Two more escalation levels remain: "Crikey! I think we'll need to cancel the barbie this weekend!" and "The barbie is cancelled." So far no situation has ever warranted use of the last final escalation level.

Regards,
John Cleese
British writer, actor, and tall person

And as a final thought - Greece is collapsing, the Iranians are getting aggressive, and Rome is in disarray. Welcome back to 430 BC.

Life is too short...