The Queen has a few words for David Cameron...

(Courtesy of The Daily Mash)

THE Queen has assured David Cameron that he was her worst prime minister ‘by miles’.

As Mr Cameron began tendering his resignation to the Queen at Buckingham Palace, Her Majesty interrupted him and said: “Including your good self, I have been served by 12 prime minsters.

“I liked Sir Winston, because he fancied me, Macmillan was like something out of Dickens and Wilson was a cheeky little Yorkshire monkey. The rest of them were a bit… weird. Especially Mr Brown. Very strange man.

“But you, Mr Cameron, are a prize arse.

“Northern Ireland has gone all wobbly, Scotland is half way out the bloody door, meanwhile most of my subjects are scared shitless and we’re seeing a delightful upsurge in racism. Well played Mr Cameron, well played.”

The Queen added: “If I see you round here again, I will order the Grenadier Guards to dangle you from the front gates by the waistband of your underpants and then get some tourists to throw fistfuls of cheap ham at your big, shiny face.

“Then again, from what I hear, you’d probably love that, you dirty bugger. Not even Prince Andrew has done that, and – trust me – that boy is a freak.

“Anyway, I digress. Off. You. Fuck.”

It is understood that as Mr Cameron left the Palace, he turned to his wife Samantha and said: “Actually, that went reasonably well.”

Painful masturbation marathon for Chastity Sub.

You'd be forgiven for thinking that the groans coming from Chastity Sub are groans of pleasure. In actual fact; they are indeed groans of pain. Inside that black leather sheath are lots of vicious little spikes - each one scratching sadistically at the shaft of his cock. The harder he grips it; the harder the spikes dig in to him. The faster he wanks; the more intense the pain.

Chastity Sub was forced to enduring this agonising torture for 3 hours - that's 3 hours non-stop. And why did I make him do this? Because I don't see any reason why ALL his masturbation sessions should be pleasurable...

My response to those who send dick pics.

Unfortunately; there are still some boys out there who still think it's okay to send unsolicited dick pics on twitter. I always say it takes a very insecure man to do this. They want assurance that their cock isn't as small as they think it is. In actual fact; it's smaller.

Now I could simply block these people. But I'd rather have a little fun with them instead....thus a hard lesson truly learned....

It would seem that this particular boy can dish it out but can't take it - hence he blocked Me after about the 25th picture. I may well have dampened his ardour somewhat. Hopefully he'll think twice next time he gets the urge to share his maggot.

And here is the lesson; if you send Me dick pics you WILL get more than you bargained for. And in case you're tempted; I have a whole gallery of diseased and mutilated dicks to send to you.....