Well this is how I give a pill to My cat...
- Take wormer tablet (or tablets depending on cat's size) and cut in half.
- Place tablet on arm of chair.
- Grab cat, talk in cutesy baby voice to him as he realises you're going to do something horrible to him.
- Place cat on his back as he sinks his claws into your arms.
- Try to prise cat's jaws open.
- Remove bitten finger from cat's mouth.
- Try to prise cat's jaws open again.
- Realise that cat has decided to clamp jaws shut and resort to cutesy baby voice again. Of course this does nothing to calm cat. He's not stupid...
- When you can finally open cat's jaws, place tablet at the back of his tongue.
- Retrieve spat out tablet from floor.
- Grab cat before he makes a bid for freedom.
- Place cat on his back again.
- Unhook cat's claws from skin.
- Resume talking in cutesy baby voice as you try to stem blood flow from where cat has taken out his annoyance on your chest.
- Hold cat's head still.
- Try to prise jaw open again. Remain calm as cat sinks his incisors into your thumb.
- Place tablet at back of tongue.
- Quickly hold cat's jaw closed. Stroke his throat and close his nostrils. Wait for signs of him swallowing.
- Release hold on cat's jaw.
- Retrieve tablet from floor and repeat.
- Now that he's finally swallowed half, realise you both have to go through that hell again.
- Retrieve cat as he starts to climb up your shoulder.
- Resist temptation to scream as he removes 10 layers of skin with his claws.
- Attempt to steady cat as he twists and turns like an octopus escaping a laundry bag.
- Wrap cat in towel so just his head is sticking out.
- Take hold of second half of tablet.
- Tuck cat's paws back inside towel.
- Try to prise jaws open.
- Tuck cat's paws back inside towel.
- Place tablet at back of tongue and hold jaw shut until he swallows.
- Give cat a cuddle and a treat; go and prepare dinner.
- Find spat out half of tablet on the floor some 20 minutes later.
- Shove half of tablet in a chunk of salmon and feed to cat.
- Smile in satisfaction that the con artist has become the conned.
- Feel the sense of dread that in three months time; you've got to go through that all rigmarole again.