Yesterday; I took a very interesting call from a sub who had dabbled in real-time Domination in the past; but was having a real struggle finding the right Domme for him.
This particular sub is very introvert and was having a hard time in the scene. He'd served several Dommes before but had found that they had in the past made assumptions about his particular tastes. This led to various experiences being less than pleasant for him and has in turn; left him very disillusioned about the scene.
One such example was when he explained to a Domme he enjoyed spitting. And so this Domme indulged him - but what she did was spit in his mouth. He didn't enjoy that and in fact found himself in the bathroom after the session, emptying his guts of not only the Domme's spit but everything he'd had for lunch. Said Domme was less than impressed that he'd "had the nerve to throw up in her bathroom."
Was the sub to blame? Absolutely not! It was down to the Domme to learn the boundaries when it came to this particular fetish. He felt fearful of saying "but I don't like to have my mouth spat in" because he was concerned the Domme in question would not want to see him. So instead; he put his trust in her that she would dig deeper and work out that spitting in his mouth was a no-go area.
Second came a session where he'd experienced electrics. And this particular Domme had used electrics in the chest area. While she had indeed asked him if he had any heart problems; he blindly went ahead with the session. It was only afterwards that he learned how dangerous it is to use electrics anywhere near the heart - heart problems or not. Did he tell said Domme about her error? No - he didn't want to offend her.
This has left him in quite a pickle. He now is interested in seeing a Domme who specialises in mummification, sensory deprivation and dollification. On her questionnaire, she asks; "do you suffer from claustrophobia?" For sub, short answer is "yes" long answer is "yes but only a little." Yet he's concerned again - if he tells said Domme he does suffer from mild claustrophobia, he worries that she won't want to see him. But then if he lies and says he doesn't; then he risks putting them BOTH in a difficult situation.
Needless to say; both of these previous experiences have given his confidence a severe knock-back and now left him fearful of where to take his fetish further. He's still learning about his fetishes. And this is true for many subs who haven't had that much experiences. While they might have an idea of what turns them on; it is highly likely there will be things they've never even thought about which appeal to them. And it's down to a Domme to work that out.
The lesson here is that all the responsibility doesn't fall to the sub. Dommes have to be held to account for responsibility as well. You should NEVER assume what a sub wants. And even if you have discussed his fetishes with him; you should never assume on how far the sub is comfortable in going. And you should NEVER practice unsafe methods. SAFE, SANE CONSENSUAL PLAY - EVERY TIME. To the Domme who did use electrics near sub's heart - you should be ashamed of yourself for failing in basic safety methods.
BDSM and Fetish is not an exact science. Like no two Dommes are the same. neither are no two subs the same. And to that end; Dommes need to be both more approachable and more flexible in their interaction with new subs. Remember; these clients are putting their trust in you - 100%. It is YOUR responsibility to see that they don't come to any harm, be it physically or psychologically and that they get something positive from the session. A bad session will definitely leave more than bad taste in the mouth of a submissive. It may be a business to you, but it should still be fun for both parties. If it's not fun, it's not going to be good.
It also reflects on you as a Domme. Have you dug deep to work out what your sub wants? Have you discussed comfort zones? Have you gotten to know your subs in a preliminary informal chat? Do you think of your sub or do you think of how much money said sub is going to pay you? If it's the latter; then you're in the wrong business.
Of course the multitude of "insta dommes" creeping on to the scene doesn't help. Sadly; many subs fall victim to these scam artists. They pay their money in the hope they will get a positive experience, only to be let down when they realise this "Domme" knows nothing about the scene and knows even less about said sub. Is it any wonder Financial Domination gets such a bad rap when few really know what it entails?
I don't take any sub at face value. It is important to remember that although in laymen's terms; a session with a Domme is a business transaction, it does indeed go much further. You are starting a professional relationship. And like any relationship, communication and trust is absolutely paramount. How can you engage in any form of relationship if you don't communicate with each other? It's not as simple as getting a sub to tell you what he's into and then taking his money. You have to take off your Domme hat momentarily and put yourself in the shoes of the sub. It's called empathy. Any Domme who refuses to open her mind and think about things from her sub's point of view is doing the scene a great disservice.
But from a sub's point of view; while you should be able to have clear communication with a Domme, in order to establish that D/s relationship, that doesn't mean you have the right to waste her time. Keep communication non-hardcore. DON'T ask for "examples" or "free tasters." Free-loading is not going to convince a Domme that you are the right sub for her. And I believe that is another problem within the scene. It is also the main reason why Dommes feel less inclined to keep the lines of communication open. Time-wasters have taken the piss and Dommes aren't prepared to fall victim to it again.
My subs don't instantly get to jump into a session. Indeed; I expect them to prove themselves first. This is not just to work out if they're going to waste My time or not, but also to see their interaction with Me and indeed My other subs. I find I learn an awful lot more from just observing them. Remember; some subs will actually be quite nervous about saying what they really want, for fear of being judged. They may also be like the sub I spoke to yesterday - very, very shy. They are only human beings at the end of the day. And that's why I observe and learn about them. When both sides have grown comfortable; then it's time to start having a session, but only once I've made sure I know what sub is and isn't comfortable with.
My advice to any new sub or indeed Domme coming on the scene is this. Learn. Learn about yourself, your sub, your scene, and your practises. Don't instantly wake up and say; "right I'm going to be a Domme!", build a website and expect the subs to come flocking. Work out what you expect from your sub and what your sub can expect from you. BE HUMAN! It's a two-way street. If you're only prepared to go one way - then you're doomed to fail and in turn, you will fail every single sub who finally plucks up the courage to approach you.
