RIP My Little Soldier xxxx

Not a good week on the personal side - in fact a very sad week if I'm honest.

Two weeks ago, My eldest cat went missing, which is very unlike him. He was old and wasn't in the best of health. Anyway, I've since "discovered" that the poor furbaby has died, so as you can imagine I'm heart-broken.

I have been out looking for him every day and night for the past fortnight, and even though in the beginning, people were saying they had seen him, now NOBODY has seen him. I've walked miles to try and find him, calling him, but to no avail. I now know that he has gone somewhere quiet and secluded to die, and even though I don't have his body, I know in My heart that this is what has happened to him.

So for the last 48 hours, I've been hovering between utter loss and despair to crying until I feel I can't possibly have any more tears left. If only that was true. Yesterday, I started to move his things - his little kennel, his toys and still the tears came. I've been through this twice before and it never gets easier.

My younger puss is feeling it too. He's become very clingy, and follows Me all over the place - even to the bathroom, so is clearly missing his brother. As a result, I'm giving him extra cuddles and love - which I think is helping us both.

Some people would question as to why I feel this way, but the fact is our pets are part of the family. I've kept cats for years, and each and every one has been like a child to Me. To grief of losing one is like losing a child and it cuts deep. One of My cats died 9 years ago - and to this day, it still hurts. And if you too have been through it, you will know exactly what I'm talking about.

But I am looking to the future as much as I can. I don't have a "grave", so instead I've decided to make a little memorial patch in My garden - and I've seen the perfect cat ornament on Amazon. It's a cast iron cat asleep - totally apt for what I have in mind. I shall be purchasing that next week, a long with as special rose. I couldn't not do something like this. Puss was a big part of My life - I loved him and he loved Me, so I feel it's only right to mark the fact that he will always have a special place in My heart.

The chances are I will never find him. I have been looking in possible places where he may have gone, but nothing. When cats do this, they find places that nobody will ever find, so that they are not vulnerable to predators while they are sick or in pain. And it's very peaceful - they simply curl up, go to sleep and pass away - I take great comfort in that.

I also take great comfort in the fact that cats do this so as not to upset their humans. They sense their time is near and start to wander, until you can't find them. In some way, they want to make it easier on their humans - it's a final act of love on their part. Dogs do this too, particularly females. So while some people will feel they don't have a sense of closure because they never find their beloved pet, some do see this as a great comfort, because they realise that even in those final hours, their owners were never far from their minds.

I shall miss My little soldier so much - that was his nickname as he was a stray who'd had a hard life until he adopted Me. He'd suffered cruelty at the hands of somebody else and had been psychologically scarred. So I'd spent months getting to know him, earning his trust and helping him to understand that not all humans are cruel. And because of that, we had a special bond, which will never be broken. 

I know that the pain of losing him will get easier in time. But one thing I will say is that I am so happy that I was the person he trusted enough to give him love and care during the last year of his life - that to Me is the greatest honour.

Sad Songs Say So Much.

Yesterday I attended the funeral of a dear friend of Mine, who sadly, at the end of February, lost her battle to cancer.

The church was absolutely packed to the gills and I was humbled by the amount of people who had turned up to say their goodbyes. My friend had clearly touched a lot of hearts in her time on Earth and it was a testament to her to see so many faces.

I have attended a fair few funerals so far throughout My life and they never get easier. Some I have sobbed all the way through, some I have felt utterly numb and have only been able to cry once alone, and some, like yesterday, I've managed to hold it together until a poignant song is played - yesterday's was Eva Cassidy's "Over The Rainbow."

Now I'll be honest, this song gets Me every time - no matter what the circumstances. I could be very happy, until I listen to it, but once I hear Eva's beautiful voice, the tears start, and they flow as though My heart is breaking. Yesterday, of course there was the other contributing factor of the circumstances in which it was being played.

The thing about that song is that it is a very emotive song sung beautifully. I imagine you would have to have a heart of stone not to be moved by it. I've heard other versions - the best one of course being sung by Judy Garland. But it is only Eva Cassidy's version which has that affect on Me.

There are other songs which have that affect on Me, usually because they take Me back to a sad time in My life. One of which is Guns N Roses "Don't Cry". That was played at a friend's funeral about 10 years ago. And even after all this time has passed, I still can't bring Myself to listen to it without crying. If I'm listening to the radio and it comes on, I'll turn the radio off. It's a song which breaks My heart to listen to.

The other one is Michael Jackson's "Earth Song." Now I make no secret of the fact that I am a die-hard Michael Jackson fan and have been since I was a little girl. I was devastated by his untimely death in 2009 - and it is that particular song which brings back all the grief of that terrible day. It is a beautiful song, but I just can't listen to it.

But there are songs out there which make Me cry for no reason, and yet somehow pull on My heart-strings. Garth Brooks "If Tomorrow Never Comes", Glen Miller "Moonlight Serenade", Spice Girls "Viva Forever" and of course the highly emotive "Imagine" by John Lennon.

So what songs stoke your emotions for no particular reason? Feel free to leave them in the comments section.